49 is the year...

Devotion...pleasure...and truth. (And perhaps a bit of TMI.)

“49 is the year….”

As I watched the sun rise over the harbor on my birthday, I was overwhelmed with gratitude, filled with contentment, and for the first time in a long while – overflowing with clarity.

Pleasure. Love. Connection. 

These are my priorities. 

As I wrote the words in my journal – I was struck by the simplicity of these intentions. And also…the stark contrast between these intentions and the ones I’ve set in the past. 

Because over the last four years, almost all of my intention setting has been focused on my business. On growth. On turning big dreams into realities. 

And while I’m grateful for all that I allowed and created space for – I sat there staring at my journal…because my business…my professional life…was nowhere to be found on the page.

Let me be clear. I’m not closing down my business. But this shift in my priorities is a bit awe-inspring for me. 

Because as much as I love my work – I’ve also realized that my devotion and focus needed some re-alignment. To my values. To my intuition. To my truest self. 

I’ve felt this shift inside me over the course of this last year…moving into the unknown and spaciousness. So the clarity and power of these new intentions felt …nourishing. True. Powerful.

And because I know that my body has always been my home base, these intentions felt like I was welcoming myself home. Turning towards my inner power, my inner fire, and my inner radiance.

For anyone that knows me, you might be wondering…but wait…you’ve always focused on turning towards your body as a source of inner wisdom.

And you’d be right. That is true. But these “49th-year intentions” were a bit more specific. Because what you might not know is that there are parts of my body that I’ve struggled to befriend. Parts that I’ve approached with a “you need to be fixed” mindset.

Let me explain:

As a result of my treatments for Hodgkins disease in my early twenties, I experienced early menopause. And the result of early menopause and a hysterectomy is that my pelvic floor is not exactly in “receiving mode.” 

To be even more specific: Due to excruciating vaginal pain, I’ve basically closed the doors to all things pleasure in intimacy. (I still remember the moment when my gynecologist described the color of vaginal tissue as “ashen”…not exactly the color you’d think of for a body part that is a doorway for sensuality.)

Even after pelvic floor physical therapy (which is amazing by the way!), and reading all the books, and trying all the things…my deepest pleasure receptors have been dormant for too long.

So when my first “49 is the year I squeal in pleasure as I orgasm…” intention spilled out of my heart and onto the page…I paused. And smiled. 

Because as far away and improbable as that intention seems …I also know that this is a journey of allowing. 

What I know for sure is that I’m ready to write a new narrative around pleasure and intimacy on all levels.  It is time to set aside all the old ideas about what that means – and redefine my relationship with pleasure. With love. With connection. And it starts by honoring my body. By celebrating it. By tending to its strength. By nourishing it with intimacy. 

(If you are shocked and wondering “Where is the calm and grounded Elena that I know and love?” is…let me introduce myself. Those parts of me are true…but also, this unapologetic and boldly truthful and vulnerable energy is the core of me that I’m finally ready to share.)

And wow…as I kept journaling, this energy and devotion felt like a celebration. 

And so…here I am. Stepping boldly into this 49th year…proclaiming my devotion…to my body, to pleasure, to love, and to connection.

If this resonates with you…I’d love to encourage you to join me –because you don’t need a birthday to re-align your devotion towards whatever ways feels true to YOU…

Maybe you want to devote yourself to your own pleasure. Or to your own body. Or to your own TRUTH.

But rather than devote ourselves to all the doing…to all the external dreams…what if we all turned towards the simplest truth of what matters most? Whatever that is for you…I’d love to hear about it! 

And because I know that I’ve only skimmed over the very real and not often talked about reality of menopause and pelvic floor journey that many women are experiencing…here are a few resources to continue the conversation.

The Great Wall of V’Gina, by Mo Collins

On Health, a podcast by Ava Romm

Come as You Are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life, by Emily Nagoski

Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, by Lori A. Brotto