I didn't want to celebrate this birthday

And maybe that is ok.

I wanted to share a story on Wednesday.

But I couldn’t. 

I didn’t have the right words. 

Any words really.

But I remember thinking…this struggle…this FEELING…I want to be able to share them. Because all too often people lead with only the delight. With only the rainbows. 

And if I know anything about thriving, it is that thriving isn’t an all or nothing experience. Thriving happens where there is delight. When there are rainbows and shooting stars.

But thriving also happens in the more vulnerable moments too. In uncertainty. In sadness. In the “in between.” 

And too often, I realize that I share my own lessons learned FROM those moments – but not the experience of the moment itself. 

And so…there I was, on Wednesday, June 12th. And while this might have been a random Wednesday for you…it marked something for me. 

The 26th anniversary of my bone marrow transplant. 

It is a day that I usually think of as my second birthday. 

It is a day that I usually find a way to celebrate. To show up in a BIG way. 

But this year, none of that felt true.

And I found myself on our terrace at sunrise, crying. 

I wanted to feel gratitude for this life I’ve gotten to live. I wanted to celebrate my body and it’s wisdom.

But I couldn’t. 

Because real talk…I’ve been feeling….not ok in my body.

Nothing is wrong…but I’ve found myself in a spiral of wanting my body to feel different than it does. 

Wanting to FIX.

And the thing about my relationship with my body is that it is the barometer for my relationship with all things. My other relationships. 

How I show up in the world.

How much (or how little)I value my work, my voice, and the energy I bring.

My body is THE domino for how I embody my thriving.

I know all this. I share it with others when I invite them to come home to their truth during yoga or meditation practices. It is where my coaching often begins. 

And yet, rather than turning towards my body as my place of grounded magic– I’ve been turning AWAY from it.

It would be easy to tell you that my frustration echoes the frustration of many women my age. Menopause. Changing shapes. Weight. 

On the surface, all of that is true.

But the real truth is that I know with every cell of my being that my body is my hero. It is the thing that always has what I need and crave. 

And yet…

Instead of devoting myself to nurturing and nourishing this temple of strength and power…

I’ve been devoting myself to a story of frustration.

Instead of devoting myself to curiosity about what my body IS capable of, I’ve been devoting myself to writing an entire auto-biography around judgment. 

I’ve seen myself in this pattern for a while. But I’ve been noticing the self-destructiveness of it all more and more as I approached the 26th anniversary of my transplant. 

Let me be clear: I don’t have an answer or solution.

And actually, I’m ok with that.

Because as I emerged from this milestone…I recognized something else. 

This 26th birthday is an opportunity. 

Because the one thing that did come out of my journaling and just “being” was the realization it is hard to LOVE anything that you don’t TRUST.

And it is hard to TRUST anything that you don’t LOVE.

And even though my body healed itself so many years ago…the experience of my being diagnosed with Hodgkins, created what is called a “samskara” – an imprint, as a seed of distrust. 

And over the years, I’ve consciously and unconsciously been watering that seed.

And now, that seed has grown.

Because “what you feed, grows.”

And so…it occurred to me as I allowed myself to just BE in my journal over the last few days…that maybe this 26th year isn’t a call to celebrate.

But it is infact, a call to notice. To remember. 

And maybe that I wasn’t turning AWAY from myself this whole time.

Maybe I was turning towards a part of myself that I’m ready to stop watering. A part of myself that I’m ready to release.

Because just like there are times to de-clutter or remodel our “actual” homes – there are times too, to notice that our inner landscape deserves the same opportunity for transformation.

And perhaps that…all by itself, realizing that this is THAT moment for me – is my reminder of what it looks like and means to thrive. 

And that it isn’t the lessons I learn that matter right now. Or what new seeds I will plant. 

That the most important thing I can tend to right now....is devotion to tending to what my teacher, Tracee Stanely calls – the “life-affirming” seed. 

Because maybe just maybe, this 26th birthday is less about celebration …and more about remembering that I get to CHOOSE which seed I want to water. 

If this resonates with you…I want you to know that you are not alone. 

And, if you’d like to be in a community with a group that creates a new ritual to tend to your own seeds of thriving…this is your invitation to join us for Thrive Camp which begins on July 1st. We’ll be showing up, just as we are, for a 30-day experience to remember what thriving looks and feels like for YOU. Without expectation. Without judgment. But with devotion, curiosity, and delight.

Get all the Thrive Camp details and join us HERE.